Separation

A close friend and her husband have come to the realisation that they would be better suited to living separate lives. How dare they! Do they not realise they have thrown me into a huge quandary?

Before the separation my friend and I were in a nice routine of meeting for lunch and a tour of our favourite shops. We were comfortable with each other and familiar with our mutual likes and dislikes. I was able to compartmentalise our relationship quite neatly thank you into my week.

So what has changed? Well for instance my friend, who has always to my knowledge been a very together person with strong opinions and in control of her life, is now quite fragile. I am disconcerted as I sit still and listen to her vulnerability coated in aggressive language. The husband has taken on the persona of evil bully and she wants all her friends to know it and be in total agreement with her.

It's so sad, I think, as I receive yet another diatribe over lunch. How does a marriage get to become two people tearing each other verbally apart.? Where has the love which cushions us during the good and bad times disappeared?

I try for sympathetic responses and try to steer the conversation into other channels. For now my friend wants to hold onto her anger seeking perhaps strength because she knows the other emotion she is hiding is grief.

Boundaries

At various times of our lives each and every one of us put boundaries on ourselves and on others, and for numerous reasons. We do this sometimes unconsciously and at other times we make a conscious decision to mark our personal boundaries.

When our secure "self" is threatened in any way up come the barriers and we mentally and physically back away. This can be a good thing particularly when our standards and moral code are involved.

I found to my detriment in the past few years that people close to me can put up boundaries. I found close relatives' reaction to crises within the family did not coincide with my perception of how families should step up and help each other emotionally and physically. Those boundary walls did not take long to be erected. Where once was a perceived loving relationship in its place was remote coolness as if strangers had inhabited the bodies of my relatives.

It is a hard lesson to learn in life and indeed towards the autumn of your life when you expect most lessons have been learned. So the boundaries remain and I cannot breach them even though I have tried. Where is Henry V and his army when you need them to storm those battlements.

Empathy

One of the most important attributes that would serve a person well throughout their life is empathy. The ability to put ourselves in the shoes of another and feel sympathy for their lot in life - if only each one of us had a drop or two. The world would definitely benefit in many ways.

I think women have a real capacity for this emotion perhaps because we carry the emotion gene. To feel intuitively allows us to open up to others and hear their stories in an empathic manner. For instance at the gym there is a lady who spoke of her brother-in-law who has dementia. Her sister has passed on so this lady has taken it upon herself to keep watch over her sister's husband. We stood around her and listened to her story and I could not but help notice how each one of us gave her a hearing. In the end that is all she needed - us to listen empathically.

Negotiating Relationships

It is not easy now that I find I have more time to myself to retain a certain impartiality in conversations with those around me. Strong opinions once relegated to the back burner of the mind when I was fully employed in more ambitious pursuits - job related - are now emerging to the forefront.

I try to adopt a light rather than serious posture when discussing politics for instance, but before I know it the opinionated voice takes over like some altered state.

Of course I have always preferred a less confrontational approach throughout my life and seemed to be my most forceful at the coalface of work. Family and friends are used to me being mostly agreeable and would look askance when I expressed a more opinionated view. I did not think it worth the hassle of the emotional aftermath.

So I am now negotiating this new path through the relationship minefield and hopefully will emerge a more confident conversationalist - one who is not afraid to voice opinions which may not be as welcome to some but is part of a new me emerging with a more honest persona.